It's funny... I thought pregnancy was hard. I mean, there were difficult times, but not nearly has hard as actually raising a baby. All the bed rest, pelvic cramps and back pain can't compare to the sleepless nights (and days), lack of freedom and difficulty with breast feeding. Having said all that, I still think my little boy is amazing. He is so cute and all the facial expressions that he makes never fail to make me laugh. In the middle of the night when I moan and groan about getting up because he needs to eat, I look down at him and smile...and I laugh when he has that great big elf-grin on his face! Nothing is cuter.
Being a parent though really tries your strength as a person. They told me over and over that you can have "the blues" after birth. Every visit to my doctor & midwife included them asking me if I've had any "teary moments." Up until today, my answer has always been no.
First off, let me explain that Rowan was born early and was kept in the Special Care Nursery for 11 days. During that time, he was fed through a feeding tube (through his nose) and we tried to feed him as much as he would take through a bottle. So, through this process, he became used to "easy feeding." - not because he is lazy (although some days I'll argue that), but because he was/is too small and did not have the strength to feed himself. Near the end of his visit there, I began trying to breast feed. Each session lasted 5 minutes typically, with an occasional 10 minute one, but the nurses did not want them to last any longer and not more than 3 times a day. After coming home I did the same routine, then I tried increasing his breastfeeding more often (as suggested by my midwife); however, like in the hospital, he would not latch and easily became frustrated because the milk was not coming fast enough. He was too used to "easy feeding" - or "fast food" as I like to call it. So, since he was born on Sept.6, I have been pumping my breast milk for him typically 6 times a day (sometimes more). I can tell you without any hesitation that I am sick of the pump!!! Between attempting to breast feed, pump and try to get sleep I am Burnt Out!
I know breast milk is "the best" food for babies and god, do I ever want to provide him with that...but today, I have decided to throw in the towel. I just can't mentally do it anymore. I will sit with him on me for at least an hour at a time trying to get him to eat and when he is done, he is STILL hungry. End result? him never getting off of me. What does this mean? I never have time to take a pee, get food, have a bath, ect.... I am only writing this entry right now in fact because my mother in law is watching him for a couple hours while I gain my sanity. Don't get me wrong... I do not resent him in any way, shape or form. He is and always will be my more special man that I love sooooo much; however, everyone has a breaking point. This is mine. I actually think I've done extremely well so far as this is the first time I've had a "teary moment."
So, my thoughts on being a new mommy? It is an amazing experience that is filled with laughs and learning moments and it is also very difficult. It's something that shouldn't be taken for granted and also something that should be a completely "open" experience as every baby is the same and everyone's parenting choices will ultimately be different. There is not necessarily a "right or "wrong" but a "what works for you" and the goal at the end of the day is to keep yourself and your baby happy, healthy and safe.
Just accept things for what they are. "It is what it is"
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